Gellin'

Sunday, December 7, 2008

No, not the Dr. Scholl's shoe inserts (although I could probably use some of those) - my thoughts and feelings over the past week or so have been simmering, and I think they have finally gelled into a cohesive whole, something definitive and perhaps productive. I realize my posting has been somewhat sporadic since November. Knowing that there are actually people reading my blog sparked some rereading on my part, and I see some gaps between what has been going on in my head, and what I have actually posted. I am so glad that more members of the family have joined the blogging ranks - welcome Gordon and Shellie! It is wonderful to be able to connect with you via this "techno community" and get a glimpse into what is going on in your lives, both external and internal. Thank you for being willing to share and be vulnerable. Vulnerability is a difficult and deliberate process for me, but I would like to share some of my moods and thoughts with those who choose to read about the Lightners' daily life.
Since I posted about getting my house organized, I have in fact been able to do just that. The guest/study/craft room (my room) is organized; at least, I know where everything is and can use the desk and sewing machine. There are still projects to be done (particularly, sorting through and framing various photographs which are currently stored in a stack of plastic bins)... but overall, I am very happy with my new space. This accomplishment, however, has been swallowed up in Christmas Preparations. I love Christmas, and everything about it - it is the one holiday that has definite nostalgia and family traditions, I enjoy choosing and giving gifts (and I would be fibbing if I didn't admit that I also enjoy receiving gifts!) - not to mention the beauty of Advent and the celebration of birth, The Birth of Our Saviour. There are many special meanings to this season for me, but unfortunately, that is not what I have been focusing on. The past week or so, I have been burdened with a vague, sad, anxious feeling. I am still not completely sure what the root of it is, but I have identified several attributing factors. First, our financial situation this year is, in a word, tight. Living on one income is a stretch for us - we are reaping the rewards, but also paying the price. So the gifts we are giving are smaller, and there are fewer of them. And Adam and I have chosen not to exchange gifts with each other this year. I know in my head that people will be appreciative whatever we can give, and that we are still comparatively rich in our middle class Western lifestyle - even as I type this, I feel like I am complaining, and I know we have so many things to be grateful for, and I am grateful - but in my heart there is a tinge of sadness that we can't afford things to be the way I would like. I am neither justifying, nor apologizing; I'm trying to be honest.
Another cause of my sadness/anxiety is my recent feeling of isolation. Not from family - if anything, I feel more connected to family since Naomi was born - but from friends. Much of that is because all of our friends either have young children, or live relatively far away. But part of it is also because I am not good at staying connected (so on top of my feeling disconnected, I feel guilty about it). I am not really comfortable chatting on the phone, and my default mode is to stay at home with Naomi rather than going out and being social. There are some days when I don't even leave the house at all - and I know that is not good for either me or Naomi. Since I realized this was bringing me down, I have made some efforts to connect with friends; but the challenges of young motherhood make it, well, challenging. Even after getting over the hurdle of my own un-sociability, there are still nap schedules, work schedules and driving distances to contend with.
Add to all of this the normal deadline pressure of Christmas (I don't do well with deadlines - not a desirable attribute in our goal-oriented, time-pressured society), and this Advent season is less than joyful. I know I should take some time to re-focus, ground myself in reflection on the miracle of Christ's coming - but when Naomi is fussing, the phone is ringing and my stomach is growling, it is hard to find that time.
So, that's the (real) update on me. As with most things, it has helped to at least identify some of these things. and given me some room to find my balance. I will try to post more regularly, and hopefully more cheerfully over the next few weeks! On a lighter note, Naomi seems to be eating more solid food at each meal, and enjoying the discovery of new tastes and textures. Her Daddy let her play with the last few bites of plums the other day - what a cute mess!!