The Dust Settles

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

(Yes, I'm mixing my metaphors, and my posts are too long.)


I am feeling better this evening. I have been reading various "Preparing for Christmas" blog posts, and the joy and warmth of the season are floating to the top of the muddy waters of my moods. I took a bath last night, and had a long, cathartic talk with my husband - and I am taking another bath tonight, with a "Moscow Mule" (mixed up by my husband from what we had in the house!) and some Cadbury's chocolate. I feel that I have crested the hill, and am now able to coast a little bit on the downward slope, with the wind at my back and the promise of home-fires burning ahead. (I'm sorry if my imagery/analogies are a little bewildering: blame it on the "Mule"! :) I feel like my stress and anxiety all piled up last night, and I was able to bundle it up and tie it down, and now I can see the size and shape, and decide what to do with it - it is contained.
Last night was very stressful, however. Naomi and I took a little trip to the library (a place I always find soothing), and when we got home, I hung up my coat before taking her out of her carseat. As I was removing my winter accoutrements, Naomi started making strange noises, and crying in a frantic, high-pitched sort of way. I rushed into the living room where I had left her, finding her gagging and choking, eyes wide and scared, bubbles coming out of her mouth. I got her out of the carseat as quickly as I could, fumbling with all the safety clips and buckles, a knot of panic forming in my stomach - as soon as she was out, I flipped her on her stomach and vigorously patted her back (as we had been taught in our prenatal first aid class), but it didn't seem to relieve her discomfort - she was still gagging and crying, and bubbles and phlegm were still coming out of her mouth. I tried to calm her down and nurse her, but after a few swallows (which did seem to get rid of the bubbles) she came up coughing and gagging again, still crying. I rushed her upstairs to see if I could clear out her nose/throat, since it seemed like some kind of liquid was partially choking her. By the time I got her on the changing table, though, she was no longer crying, gagging or spitting up bubbles. I called Adam (who was helping a friend move), and then called the doctor, who advised that I check the toys she had been playing with in the car for missing pieces (there were none) and just keep an eye on her. Crisis over. If Adam had been home, I'm sure I would have broken down in tears at this point; but without him there to be "the strong one", I carried on the rest of the evening calmly (albeit very shaken). I did not put her down for her late afternoon nap, though - I wanted to keep both eyes on her until bedtime! I still don't know the cause of this strange episode; Naomi had been sucking on one of her toys in the car, but that is not at all unusual. Perhaps there was some residual dish detergent in a previously un-sucked part...
That was the exciting part of my stressful evening; after Naomi went to bed, Adam and I paid bills and looked at our finances and our schedules and everything that needs to be done around the house... that was the unexciting part of my stressful evening. But by the end of it all (sometime after midnight), I was feeling better - the storm had passed, and the air was freshened. And I find myself once again focusing on the things that bring me joy at Christmas; getting and decorating the tree, baking cookies, singing carols; the little twinkling colored lights in people's yards, and through their windows; the snow on the ground, grey-white moon in the sky; the beauty of candlelight and warmth of a cup of spiced tea or mulled wine; meditating on the birth of Jesus, and the character and experience of His Mother.