Three Thoughts

Friday, April 10, 2009

So, I know it has been way too long since I added anything to the blog. Just like I used to feel when I went too long without writing in my journal, I can't possibly "catch up," so I will just start where I am today.

Good Friday has always (well, as long as I can remember, anyway) been a reflective day for me. This afternoon I was able to go to the short Tenebrae service at church, but I was pervaded with a sense of unreality. The only thought that made it real, that somehow makes sense of Jesus' death and separation from the Father, is the eternal, all-encompassing vindication of the resurrection. I feel like we so often focus on Jesus dying for me, for my sins; and although there is truth in that, it seems such a small part of the awful sacrifice. Perhaps I am too uncomfortable with the smallness of my self - but it seems like that is not a good enough reason for Jesus to die, for the Son of God to pass into Darkness, Nothingness. But when I realize that His death opened the Way for all things to be made right, for His kingdom to come here on earth - then it makes sense. Then my redemption is part of the whole - my life is given purpose in His. I am not saved for my own sake, but to bring eternal righteousness, to bring us one step closer to perfection. Truly He is the author and the perfecter, the beginner and the finisher of my faith, for my faith is but a piece of His righteousness, the Life that will heal the broken and the sick, open eyes and ears, free the captive and capture the runaway.

I was also meditating on Jesus' words, the words of Psalm 50, "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?" The mystery of the Trinity, and the death of Jesus and separation of the Father from the Son, is 'too lofty for me' - I cannot plumb the depths of what happened, or why. And neither can I understand why sometimes God allows pain and death in our lives. But I cling to the truth that when the Father said "No" to Jesus, when He made it clear that death was the only way, it was part of His perfect Plan. And it is clear in Scripture that Jesus' death was part of the plan all along, and the perfect way for God to make right the wrongs of humankind. I may at times feel that God has forsaken me - but He never will, for God is love, and love never fails. And I trust (or try to) that when God says "No" to me, it is part of His perfect plan, and that there is some purpose beyond what I can see from my earthly vantage point. We are given the reason for Jesus' death, and it is a good one. I will trust in Your unfailing love.


On a different note, for those of you who haven't heard, Naomi will be a big sister in October! (I know I said I wouldn't try to make this a catch-up post, but this is on my mind now, too!) This is the first of my four pregnancies for which I don't feel ready.* Even my very first pregnancy, though more of surprise than this one, was met with a much more peaceful spirit. It is strange, really. I thought I was ready, but when I discovered that I was actually pregnant it took me several days to accept; I really wrestled with anxiety until God reassured me that this was His timing. I am no longer anxious, but I still feel a little like a child dragging her feet: "but God, I don't want to be pregnant yet - not right now, not with an almost one-year-old, not when I was just starting to get my body back and feel more in control of my life!" It is really a strange experience all around - I want this child, there is no doubt about that, and I really believe that the timing is good. I am grateful that God has given us another baby, that my body is able to nourish the new life, that I will be able to experience that bond with another human being. I have experienced loss, and know what an incredible gift this is - and I cherish it. But at the same time, I am not ready. I don't want to feel sick, and tired, and lose precious one-on-one time with Naomi. I don't want to be emotional, and irritable and unproductive. So there you have it. I love this baby, but I am not ready. Grandma described this time as one of "joyful weariness" - and that is a perfect description. Sometimes I feel more weary than joyful, but there is joy like a fountain nevertheless.

*'Ready' here is something completely different from 'prepared'. I am in many ways much more prepared for this pregnancy; but readiness is more a state of the spirit.